Santa’s First TV Interview

By Roz Morris, Managing Director, TV News London Ltd

“Ho, ho, ho" cried Santa. Today’s the day that I do my first TV interview. I’m sure it will go well. The world is waiting for me."  “Er ...Ye –es” said Chief Elf a bit hesitantly. “But have you prepared what you want to say? They say that you should always know what your messages are before you do a TV interview.”

“No, no, no” boomed Santa. “I’m perfectly prepared. I know my stuff and I’ll see what they ask me. Now don’t bother me any more", he added crossly, as Chief Elf tried to hand him a sheet with some facts and figures about toy production, number of reindeer, total of elves employed etc.. “I have to chair a very important meeting about elfin safety and elf holiday pay this morning before I set off for the studio.”

Santa’s meeting took a bit longer than he had expected. He rushed to his sleigh and found the reindeer were not in harness. “Hurry up", he told the elves as they rushed to get the reindeer ready for lift-off.  At last everything was ready and Santa swooped off to the TV studio. He landed on the roof after having some trouble finding it.  There were so many TV buildings, plus he hadn’t expected the roof to be so crowded with technical equipment and satellite dishes, or for the door to the stairs to be locked.  

Maybe I should revise my decision on not getting a Satnav. He thought to himself as he finally rushed down the stairs to the studios, already almost late for his TV slot. "I know I always say that I’ve been finding way round the world for years without any help from satellites, but the world is getting so crowded and I really shouldn’t be late for my first TV interview. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that difficult long meeting about elf holiday pay this morning?"

Arriving at the studio all hot and bothered after all the (avoidable) delays of the morning, he was asked if he wanted a light dusting of make-up before going in . “No, no, no, thank you” he said decisively. "A light dusting of snow is all I’m ever interested in. Ho, ho, ho." There were a few weak smiles but no-one else laughed.

Once he was seated in the studio, Santa noticed two things. Firstly, he was very hot and bothered under the studio lights, and probably red faced and sweating.  “Not a good look” he could hear Mrs Claus saying in her familiar correctional tones. Secondly, he had just found out that his jolly red Santa suit was rather tight and the buttons were definitely straining when he sat down.  “Oh dear, Mrs Claus will be putting me back on Weightwatchers”,  he thought gloomily.

Suddenly the interviewer started shouting – or so it seemed to Santa who had been nervously trying to think of something to say. “What a thrill!" The interviewer shouted. “The first ever interview with Santa himself!. Santa this is really one in the eye for all those people who have been saying you don’t exist, isn’t it?.”

“Er. Ye-es” said Santa. “Who are they?” . He usually had a lot to say, but he had suddenly found that his mind had gone really blank. He did remember that that’s what Chief Elf had told him would happen. Only he hadn’t really listened as he was so busy concentrating on elfin safety and holiday pay.

“Yes” said the interviewer “who are these doubters indeed! Now Santa. What’s your message to the world and especially the children of the world?” 

“Ho, ho, ho” said Santa feebly. Seeing he was in trouble, the interviewer tried to be helpful. “All children must be good or they won’t get presents?"  He suggested kindly. But to Santa, unprepared, hot and worried, every question, even the friendly ones seemed like a threat.

And they just kept on coming. “How many elves do you have working for you? How do you get round the whole world in a single night?  What about homes without chimneys?“ Santa fervently wished he’d looked at that factsheet from Chief Elf. “I just wish all this would all stop soon", he sighed to himself.

“Still at least I only have to do one interview because they’re going to show the same interview all over the world. It’s a pooled interview. That’s what Chief Elf said. Oh dear. Maybe that’s not good as I’m not doing well" he thought, as he heard himself stuttering through another feeble answer.

“Snow, snow, snow.  How I love snow.” He said to the reindeer as they all flew back to the nice cold North Pole.

Chief Elf was very diplomatic. “Well it could have been better. You really should have prepared, shouldn’t you." “Yes, yes, yes.” said Santa “I know that now. Just book that media training I’ve been putting off. What’s the name of the company?”

“TV News London” said Chief Elf . " I’ll call them now. Oh and I think we’ll hold off on the tweeting. Even though the Pope is now on Twitter, I just don’t think you’re ready.”

Published 14 December 2012